It seems every profession is rich with clever little occupational secrets.
Here are some of the best of what I received.
Actor
Every actor eventually is called upon to act drunk. Most do this by slurring
their speech, stumbling around, and perhaps drooling a bit. This is what a
freshman drama teacher calls "indicating." A better way to appear drunk is
to act very, very sober. Walk very carefully, and try not to let anyone see
that you're inebriated. This is much more subtle and will register on a
level the audience won't immediately recognize.
Attorney
Do whatever it takes to fit your contracts onto a single page: Format with
single-spacing, use a 10- or 9-point font, and reduce the margins to less
than an inch. Most people assume any contract that fits on one page will be
simple and straightforward, and even sophisticated negotiators can be
charmed by the lack of a staple.
Auto Mechanic
Always put copper grease on the battery terminals after servicing a car. The
performance benefit is negligible, but when customers look under the hood
they will immediately see that something's changed and thus feel happy to
pay you.
Balloon-Twister
When you're twisting balloons for children, never tell them what you're
making. The majority of the finished products-despite your best
attempts-almost always look like a dog, a blastula, or something vaguely
phallic. If you identify what you're actually attempting to make, the
children will respond to your finished product with, "That doesn't look like
a [insert animal name]..." But if you make the animals and then ask, "What
does it look like to you?" the child's imagination will take over, turning
the blue, four-legged balloon into Blue from Blue's Clues, the blastula into
a Pokemon, and the phallic object into an elephant. You'll also get bonus
points because you were so cool for making exactly what they wanted.
Botanist
When working in the field, stick a strip of duct tape to your pants. You can
take it off while working to quickly remove large masses of ticks, biting
ants, and thorns.
If you know the length of each of your fingers as well as your handbreadth
in centimeters, you can measure the leaves of most plants without having to
pull the ruler out of your backpack.
And when doing botanical work in South America, steer clear of the monkeys:
They will throw sticks at you with surprising accuracy.
Butcher
In Australia, the butchers have a secret language called "rechtub klat" that
they use to gossip about customers without getting caught. The code is
formed by speaking words backward. Old-timers could have entire
conversations in the language, but these days a core vocabulary of about 20
to 30 essential words are used. Sometimes, if a word can't really be
pronounced backwards, a couple of letters will be traded around (e.g.,
"tish" for "shit"), or the first letter might be pronounced separately
(e.g., "bmal" is pronounced "beemal"). The most common words are:
-kool, toh lrig
-cuf ecaf
-on erom feeb/gip/bmal
-traf
-toor
-doog tsub
-tish
-doog esra
-gaf
Nothing is more enjoyable than shouting at the top of your lungs to the
other butchers that the difficult customer right in front of you is a "on
doog cuf ecaf."
Cardboard Box Flattener
When hitting the sealed bottom of a cardboard box to flatten it, do not
punch it with your knuckles like you're boxing-that will start to hurt real
quick. Instead, strike it with the bottom of your fist, as if your hand were
a gavel.
Cartographer
Mapmakers will often use "copyright traps," bits of information in their
maps that are purposefully wrong. They might label a body of water "Lake
Strongbad," for instance, and then examine the next editions of competitors'
maps to see if the incorrect information makes an appearance.
Clarinetist
Clarinetists in orchestras often need to swap between a clarinet in the key
of B-flat and one in the key of A right in the middle of a piece-with only
about two seconds to spare. To do this they must yank the mouthpiece off the
instrument they're playing, grab the other clarinet from its stand, shove
the mouthpiece onto the new clarinet, and drop the other one onto the stand.
Worse, clarinets are black, clarinet stands are black, and this maneuver is
usually done in the darkness of a concert hall. So what many clarinetists do
to know which clarinet they're holding is place a piece of blue painter's
tape on the back of one, or use thumb rests of different colors. And to help
aim for the clarinet stand, some paint theirs with glow-in-the-dark paint.
Desktop Support
When desktop support technicians resolve a ticket, they are usually required
to document the cause and solution to the problem. Supervisors see these
records, so you have to be professional, but can usually get away with using
the acronym "PEBKAC" in situations where the user caused the initial
problem. PEBKAC stands for "Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair."
Forester
Never walk behind another person in the woods, because yellow jackets build
their nests underground. The first person in line will disturb the nest when
they walk over it, but it's the poor suckers trailing behind who catch the
wrath of the stirred-up bees. You can generally tell the more experienced
forester in the group because he'll be the one in the lead.
The senior forester also will be the one either driving the truck or sitting
in the middle seat; it's the guy who's riding "shotgun" who has to get out
to open and close every gate they encounter.
Graphic Designer
If you have a client who is unable to approve a proposed design without
putting her stamp on it, just put an obvious error in the proposal: a logo
that's too large, a font that's too small, or a few judiciously seeded
typos. The client requests the change and feels she's done her part-and your
design, which was perfect all along, sails through to approval.
Jeweler
When setting a semiprecious gem, set a tiny piece of silver or gold foil
behind it to make it sparkle.
Also, because most stones are pretty irregular (being stones and all), fill
the base of the setting with sawdust so the stone will set evenly.
Juggler
With any routine under seven minutes (which is almost all of them), you only
really need one thing: a good closer. And there are only two things you
really need to know about a great closer. First, it needs to be impressive.
That sounds obvious, but most beginning jugglers think "difficult" and
"impressive" are synonymous. Your closer must look hard, but there's no real
reason it has to be hard. Secondly, you should intentionally blow your
closer on the first two tries. If you get it on the first try it looks too
easy, but if you "miss" it a few times it looks harder and builds tension.
Landscape Architect
You will often have to create a large presentation for clients, and will
spend hours coloring in landscape illustrations with markers. But if you say
the drawings are "rendered" rather than "colored," you can charge four times
as much.
Lounge Pianist
Never agree to Christmas sing-alongs if there is alcohol involved. Your
singer will only remember the first two lines of his favorite tunes, or
you'll waste a half-hour on a drawn-out, stumbling, "12 Days of Christmas."
The singer will be forgiven when he sobers up, but you'll look
unprofessional.
Massage Therapist
In massage, properly orienting the top sheet over the client is referred to
as "draping." To keep female clients from having their breasts exposed while
draping them for an abdominal massage, start with the client face up with
the top sheet fully covering her from the neck down. Now, put a pillowcase
over her neck, rumpled up. Pinching the pillowcase and sheet together, pull
both down, with the pillowcase unraveling and trailing the sheet down the
client's body. Once the pillowcase has covered the breasts, leave it behind
and continue with only the sheet until her abdomen is exposed. Tuck in
pillowcase and sheet, and voila!
Mechanic
If you have to change a light bulb where the glass is broken, you can press
a potato into the metal base to unscrew the remains of the bulb from the
fixture.
Newspaper Headline Writer
If you can't think of a headline for a story, use one of these three magic
verbs: "weighs," "mulls," or "considers." They'll work for pretty much
anything from court stories ("Hamilton mulls plea deal") to government
stories ("Governor weighs Paseo extension") to entertainment ("Colvin
considers new album") to features ("Benson mulls those who consider weighing
Kasey's artwork").
Nurse
Patients will occasionally pretend to be unconscious. A surefire way to find
them out is to pick up their hand, hold it above their face, and let go. If
they smack themselves, they're most likely unconscious; if not, they're
faking.
Paramedic
When paramedics arrive at a car crash or similar accident, they very, very
rarely announce any casualties at the scene-almost all deceased will be
pronounced "dead on arrival" at the hospital. This is because it involves
about 10 times more paperwork to announce someone dead right in situ than it
does to say they expired in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.
Photographer
When taking family portraits that include a dog, don't use the dog's name or
say "doggie, doggie" to get its attention, because it might trot over to
you. Instead, call out "kitty, kitty, kitty." The dog will perk up and look
around for a cat, and you can get a great shot if you time it right.
Piano Salesman
If you see a potential customer eyeing a piano, estimate their age and
calculate what year it was when they were 18 years old. Play a big hit from
that year on the piano they're looking at. With a lot of preparation and a
little luck, you might play the exact song they were listening to when they
lost their virginity, got married, or drove their first car. The emotional
resonance will overcome sales resistance and even open their wallets to a
more expensive piano.
Proofreader
If you're reading too fast, your brain can "correct" typos, preventing you
from catching them. That's why it's sometimes a good idea to read a page
upside-down. It forces you to pay closer attention to individual words out
of context, and you can't race through pages too fast.
Software Tester
Because developers don't expect testers to read through their code, doing so
is a quick and easy way to find possible bugs. Look for comments like "//
HACK" or "// fix this crap later."
Street Performer
In street performance, it's possible to make money without really knowing
how to play your instrument. You can pick up a cheap accordion at a thrift
store and simply make stuff up on the street corner. Most people usually
won't stick around and listen for long if you are on a sidewalk where
there's little room to stand, and you can play the same thing over and over
and still make money.
Technical Support
When helping someone fix their computer over the phone, and you want them to
see if all the cables are plugged in correctly, don't ask, "Have you checked
to see if the cable is plugged in?" because the customer will always say,
"Of course I did, do you think I'm a moron?" Instead say, "Remove the cable,
blow the dust out of the connector, and plug it back in." The customer will
most likely reply, "Hey, it's working now-I guess that dust really builds up
in there!"
Waitress
When you realize you have forgotten to submit an order to the kitchen, go to
the table and mournfully say, "Did you just hear that crash?" Nine times out
of 10, the customers not only will say "yes," but actually will believe they
just heard a noise of some sort. You can then sigh sadly, and say,
"Unfortunately, that was the chef dropping your food," and then scurry back
to the kitchen to hand in the neglected order.
Wedding Coordinator
People's fingers swell when they get nervous. So, when exchanging rings,
tell couples to only slide the ring up to the first knuckle and let the
other person push it up the rest of the way. Otherwise you run the risk of
the groom breaking his bride's finger in the middle of the ceremony.
source:
www.themorningnews.org/archives/how_to/tricks_of_the_trade.php